Pick up lines, dead guys, and a little bit of home
by Rinny-chan0218
Summary: Skulduggery and Valkyrie are on a stake out and Val gets bored. Pick up lines ensue until Tanith Low and boyfriend, the Texan assassin Billy Ray intervene...
1. Chapter 1

Valkyrie sat in the front seat of the Bentley, sulking. Skulduggery had warned her that the mission they were going on would be a lame one, but Valkyrie still insisted she go with him.

"I'm so bored!" Valkyrie exclaimed, kicking the dash.

"If I remember correctly, you were the one begging to come with me." Skulduggery replied calmly. He showed no sign of impatience, no sign of agitation and this annoyed Valkyrie to no end.

They were at the pier, not far from Valkyrie's house, where the reflection was still pretending to be the daughter her parents needed and wanted. It made Valkyrie a bit jealous (though she'd never admit it) to think that the emotionless replication of herself was hugging her parents, sitting at her table, sleeping in her bed. But, what's a girl to do?

"If I had a star every time you brightened my day, I'd be holding a galaxy in my hands."

Skulduggery's skull turned sharply to her, hollow eye sockets burning into her. There was an awkward moment of silence which seemed to last hours. Finally, she blushed and held up her phone. "Sorry. It was one of the pick up lines that came up."

Skulduggery visibly relaxed. He looked back out the windshield. "Why are you looking at pick up lines?"

"Uh… I dont know. I suppose it's because they're funny and kinda cute." She replied.

Skulduggery was quiet. It was well known in their many social circles that Valkyrie absolutely did not do cute, fluffy, or anything else related to these topics. Skulduggery's thoughts were suddenly broken by Valkyrie slapping a hand over her mouth and giggling hysterically.

"Ohmigod Skul, listen to this one." She cleared her throat. "I'm not saying this to impress you...but I'm Batman." Valkyrie erupted into another fit of laughter. Skulduggery had to admit, that one was pretty funny but he stifled his laugh as best he could. It was moments like these that he was glad that he didn't have any skin or lips. If he did, he knew he'd be betraying his facade of professional seriousness.

Valkyrie opened her mouth to recite yet another awful line when a body slammed against the hood of the Bentley. She yelped and jumped, scrambling out of the car. Skulduggery appeared on the other side, gun in hand. Valkyrie summoned fire in her left hand. Her necromancy ring was cold on her finger

"He's dead." Valkyrie said, keeping her voice low.

Skulduggery cocked his head at her. "How do you know? He could be alive and just playing dead."

Valkyrie shook her head and held up her hand. "Ring's cold. He's dead."

Skulduggery shrugged and put his gun away. He crossed to the front of the Bentley, grabbed the dead man by his ankles and proceeded to drag the guy off the hood. Valkyrie stared and he stopped.

"What?" He asked, tilting his head at her.

"umm… isn't that a little disrespectful"? Valkyrie asked.

"Oh god no. He landed on my car. That's disrespectful."

"Oh."

"Come help me move this delightful, yet oddly disrespectful dead young man off my beloved bentley."

Valkyrie closed her hand, letting out the flame and grabbed the man's wrists. Together, they got him off the hood and on the ground. They stared at him for a bit in silence before Valkyrie spoke.

"So how do you think he got here?"

"Well I imagine someone threw him at us."

"Do you think the one who did is still out there?" Valkyrie asked softly.

Skulduggery tucked his hand into his jacket pocket. "Oh yes, my dear."

Valkyrie felt a presence. She whirled around just as Skulduggery pulled out his gun, thumbing the hammer back. Valkyrie summoned fire and the flames flickered across the dark, lighting up Tanith Low's face.

Valkyrie swallowed a mix of fear and longing. Tanith had been her best friend, as close as sisters before the remnant took over her body a few years ago. Since then, Tanith had been galavanting across Ireland with Billy Ray Sanguine, leaving mass murder in their wake.

"Hey Val." Tanith said, tossing her blond hair and smiling. "Yo Skul-man! Nice to see you too. Mind pointing that thing somewhere else though? Someone could get hurt."

"I'm counting on it." Skulduggery growled.

Tanith sighed and shook her head. "I thought we were friends. Come on now."

Skulduggery's hand didn't waver. "We were friends and then you went and got yourself possesed."

Tanith frowned. "Still upset about that then?"

Skulduggery and Valkyrie stayed silent.

Suddenly, the ground behind Tanith began to crack and crumble. Billy-Ray Sanguine appeared at the blonde swordswoman's shoulder. "Aww not you guys." Billy Ray spat out in his long Texas drawl. "No one said I'd be fighting the detective and the girl."

Tanith rolled her eyes and turned on him, flashing a tight, impatient smile. "Honey," she said, annoyed. "We've been over this, no one is fighting anyone."

"Guess we didn't get the memo." Skulduggery said. "Tanith, did you know the sparrow flies south for the winter?"

Tanith cocked an eyebrow and raised her sword as he fired. Valkyrie screamed as the bullet ricocheted off the blade. Sanguine came after her, straight razor in hand. Valkyrie blocked his first swipe and punched him in the chest. He stumbled back and she lashed a kick to his gut.

The ground beneath him cracked and then opened, taking Sanguine down into the earth. Valkyrie circled, fire ready. She heard the telltale splintering of ground and knew he was coming up behind her. Valkyrie whirled, throwing the flame in her hands. He ducked under it, swiping his leg out and catching her feet. With a cry, she fell and then he was on top of her, pressing his razor into her throat.

"I ain't taking anymore chances with you." Sanguine snarled and raised his blade.

Valkyrie got a hand up, trying to feel where the spaces connect. She pushed against the air, and Sanguine flew backward. Valkyrie heaved herself up and faced him. He lunged, aiming for her throat. Valkyrie jerked back, bringing her fist around and catching him on the side of the head. He grabbed her arm, twisting it behind her back. Valkyrie hooked an ankle around his leg and flipped him over her shoulder. Sanguine fell, but went down kicking the back of her knees. She landed on top of him, and he rolled, putting her on the bottom. Valkyrie grabbed his wrist as he brought his razor up to her face, but he was stronger. The blade grazed her cheek and she cried out. Scars from that blade never healed, no matter how much magic was used to mend the wound.

Blood spilled from the side of her face. Sanguine laughed and Valkyrie raised her knee and slammed it into his back. He arched his body and Valkyrie grabbed his arms and rolled them over. Sanguine tried to lash out, but Valkyrie sat on his chest, cutting off his air. The straight razor was laying beside his head and she picked it up, and tossed it across the pier.

Sanguine gasped beneath her, struggling for air. Tanith tossed Skulduggery aside, walking over to Valkyrie and Sanguine.

"Get off him." She ordered Valkyrie who crossed her arms stubbornly and shifted slightly. Sanguine grunted, flailing his arms a little.

Tanith unsheathed her sword and held the tip to Valkyrie's throat. "Get off. Now."

Valkyrie swallowed, but her eyes never left Tanith's as she stood. Sanguine coughed and got up, stumbling over to Tanith's side.

"Thank you" He whispered.

"Shut up, you pathetic man." Tanith snapped and put her sword away beneath her coat. She turned to Valkyrie. "We used to be best friends. Why can't we be like that again?"

Before Valkyrie could respond, there was gunfire and blood spurted from Tanith's shoulder. Valkyrie screamed as her ex-best friend fell.

"Well crap." Sanguine said as the ground cracked beneath him and swallowed him up.


	2. Chapter 2

They arrived at the sanctuary in Roarhaven a little after midnight. It had started to rain, which had started to give Valkyrie something new to whine about. She hated the rain. Was absolutely sick of it, but that was just how life was. On bad days, you have rain. On good days, you have more rain. It was a constant that she had grown up with, but despite that, the precipitation was getting a little old.

Tanith was in the infirmary and Valkyrie was beside her. It felt good, to hold her best friend's hand and pretend that when she woke up, Tanith would be exactly how Tanith used to be. To be able to wake up and realize that the possession was nothing but a horrendous nightmare. One that made Valkyrie never want to sleep again.

In the other room, Valkyrie could hear low voices. She caught a bit of discussion; Ghastly was scolding Skulduggery for putting a bullet in his girl. Valkyrie almost grinned. Leave it to the Skeleton Detective to overdo things once again. Suddenly, the conversation hushed and Valkyrie could have sworn she heard "Darquesse."

 _They're talking about us_. The omnipresent voice at the back of her head whispered. _You could kill them all in one go and they know it. And yet, still they run their hideous little mouths behind your ba-_

 _That's enough_. Valkyrie thought, clamping her mental walls down as hard as she could. Lately, the entity in her head seemed to be growing more and more frequent, the constant hum of Darquesse becoming more and more dauntless as life progressed. It was starting to worry her.

"Valkyrie. Time to go." Skulduggery called.

Valkyrie shook her head, clearing her thoughts and stood. "Where are we going? Another mission?"

Skulduggery held his gloved hand out to her. "We're going home."

 **Sorry I haven't been around in a while. Prom is Saturday and so I've been prepping nervously for that. Wish me luck! Anyway, this was a book project for English and then I decided to post it (you know, two birds, one stone and all that) Also, don't forget to READ AND REVIEW!**

 **Mwah! mwah! I love you all!**


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